![]() ![]() ![]() He loves the hunt, and he has an uncanny knack for finding what he wants. Sometimes there’s a wealth of information to harvest, and other times, he has to pull gold out of one or two videos that showcase what it’s like inside, say, a long-gone Berenstain Bears attraction. (If you’ve ever met someone who can speak eloquently about Club 33, or knows how to secure reservations at the Pirates of the Carribbean restaurant, then you know this population well.) There, he absorbed a wealth of sources and insider knowledge, which would later become his secret sauce: With his ascetic devotion to the grind of research, he’s become something like the Robert Caro of roller coasters, poring through yellowed magazine articles, resuscitated URLs, and the ambient chatter of amusement park superfans until a narrative comes into view. One source even claimed, with reasonable confidence, that he has a family member who was conceived in the corridors of Kennywood-hopefully under the prismatic glow of cartoon lasagna.Ĭraving the more monumental thrills of larger, more thoughtful parks, Perjurer spent his youth trawling through ancestral amusement park forums-those sanctums of insiders-only metadata that separate the casuals from the die-hards-which nurtured a desire to think critically about the pocket dimensions of towering brand capital that dot the American heartland. There’s no shortage of ramshackle roadside theme parks in America moldering away on the fringes of spatial consciousness, but over the course of his investigation, Perjurer made a hilarious discovery about this one: Simply put, the young lovers of Pittsburgh were using the darkened halls of the Garfield’s Nightmare cruise to fuck in public. Patrons boarded plastic boats fastened to a steel rail under the sickly, chlorine-blue waterway, and for five minutes, they explored a panorama of Garfield’s greatest fears: evil veterinarians, demonic pepperoni pizzas, and a maleficent pod of sewer rats brewing up a pot of Cat Stew. ![]() Originally called the Old Mill, it opened in 2004 and was modeled after Disneyland’s It’s a Small World, albeit with the utopian Summer of Love multiculturalism replaced by copious lasagna gags. Perjurer’s deep dive into Garfield’s Nightmare, an infamous, discontinued dark ride at the Pittsburgh amusement park Kennywood, is a compelling example. ![]()
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